Different Countries View Medicine and Doctors Differently–FINE
I know in many countries, it is a common practice for doctors to say things are wrong with a person in order to earn money for medical services. I am SURE this happens in the US too, but most people don’t think about it very often. Most of my friends and family have the opposite problem–we go to the doctor and he or she always says there is no problem, and seems to think we are imagining symptoms or being babyish by worrying too much about them.

I have also learned that people in different countries have different theories about medicines. In my husband’s country, many people have this WIERD idea that a person should avoid medicine because it weakens the body’s ability to heal itself. (To me, this is the same as saying people should avoid food because it deprives the body of the opportunity to nourish itself.) Give me a break!

That’s all fine though–my husband can be in pain and refuse to take Tylenol to “give his body a chance to handle it on its own.” Sure, he can claim that Airborne caused his kidneys to hurt. I’m sure many people’s kidneys have hurt due to Airborne–that’s why it’s so popular for preventing colds.

Medicine for Children
The part that I can’t handle is when my husband refuses (i.e. tries to refuse) to let me give my children medicine. He acts like I try to shovel medicine down their throats for any possible reason. This is just dumb. I give my children medicine in three situations: when they are in PAIN (like teething, which pain is worse than childbirth according to pediatricians), when they are COUGHING non-stop (too uncomfortable), and when the doctor prescribes something. That’s it. I probably give them medicine four or five times a year.

In the past, we got into HUGE fights about this. I finally stopped fighting and started doing things his way–sneaky. In my husband’s country, people think it’s really beneficial and intelligent when people are sneaky. So, I now just don’t listen to him about the medicine, and when he is in a different room busy with something, I give my kids the medicine they need to feel better.

And everyone’s happy. Oh, and if he asks me, of course, I tell him. I have no reason to lie–after all, I’m doing the right thing.

PS. Quick TIP: If you are in this situation, ask your doctor questions while your spouse is there. For example, I asked ours, “If I give my children Tylenol when they are teething, will it make them less able to handle pain?” (my husband’s exact words) It was wonderful to watch the doctor’s face contort into confusion and mild irritation as she answered “Ummmm, NO.” After this, medicine during teething was not as big an issue.

Unemployment is a Reality for Many Foreign Spouses
Unemployment or undesirable, low-paying, difficult employment is a reality for lots of foreigners and their spouses. But it doesn’t last forever!!! Many people manage to do what it takes to earn a good living–but it takes a lot. Even many Americans are unable to do it, so it’s much harder for people who come from different places.

Personal Experiences
Take our situation. My husband had excellent credentials when he came to this country–job experience at well-known companies abroad, master’s degree, and so on. STILL, it took 5 YEARS for him to get a full-time job with benefits (but he had contracts and part-time jobs during that delay). The good news is that he’s doubled his salary in 2 years–so in this way, he has certainly made up for lost time. He’s earning more than any of my friends or relatives our age, and his English STILL isn’t anything to write home about (but it’s fine).

Rejection after rejection, and it didn’t sink in! He kept thinking if he bettered his skills, he’d get a job–this was partially true. He did better his skills, and it was eventually noticed. But by that time, he had also learned to dress for interviews and learned a lot of English.

Some Spouses Go With the Flow
Hopefully your spouse will be a little more open to change than mine was. I’m not sure why this was, but he simply REFUSED to believe what I and everyone around him told him about getting good jobs in the US. We all knew important basics (I think even my six year old knows some of these)–speak English well, wear a suit to an interview, ask questions, be prepared with answers, and so on. My husband did none of this. He insisted on wearing casual clothes, felt certain that his English made no difference (though he knew almost NONE), and almost said nothing during his interviews–well, how could he? He didn’t know English

We have a lot of foreign friends who found good jobs MUCH more quickly than my husband and who learned English a lot more quickly. I think I got an alien who is RESISTANT to CHANGE. That made many years very hard for both of us–I mean, when you live in a foreign country, there are just some areas where you have to play by their rules, not yours (I know, cause I’ve lived in foreign countries!). But anyway, it all worked out.

Even Those Who Resist Change
After four years, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. How I made it that long without my husband having a job and still managed to pay our bills on my measly dinky little salary, I will never know. But I’m glad I did because for the past four years, life has been really grand!!

My Parents Reacted…Reasonably
I am fortunate to have parents who don’t get too overbearing with their advice (like my husband’s mother does). But I must say, I did learn a lot about each of them when my husband and I decided to get married.

I’ll give it to them–he knew almost no English. In this country, a person who doesn’t know English can NOT find a top job. I do know this from lots of experience working with foreigners (and of course, being married to one!). So, in this respect, I understand that they must have felt a little panicked–how will our daughter and her husband support themselves?

Short-Term Reactions
Both the short-term and long-term reactions surprised me. Short-term were the opposite of what I expected. My mother totally supported our marriage and was REALLY nice to my husband (then my fiance) and thought he was the nicest man ever, which he is–almost always My father, whose mother is also a foreigner and to this day speaks English with a heavy accent, was nervous that my husband might be after a greencard. This is a valid concern, as there are foreigners who scam for greencards–but I knew this wasn’t the case with my husband.

Both of my parents were very nervous about my husband’s English–I was not, but I should have been. I always worked with EFL and ESL students who WANTED to learn English and knew they needed it to find work in the US. Imagine my shock when my husband RESISTED learning English–okay, totally refused. I don’t know what this was all about, but it made things so much harder than they should have been. He should have just taken English classes and learned the language. Instead, he insisted that in his job, people wouldn’t care about his English, because it’s hard to find good workers in his field. And rejection after rejection, he refused to give this belief up… Eventually he learned from speaking at work (he managed to find work, very hard and low-paying), and got great jobs! But it was a long, hard road.

Long-term Reactions
Anyway, the long-term reactions of my parents were the ones that really got me. Everything changed. My mother ended up HATING my husband because of the hardships I went through (financial and child-rearing mainly). She makes snide comments about his driving, his accent (how she can’t understand what he’s saying), and things like this–to me, not to him. It is too bad. But we rarely see her, so it’s her problem not mine. I did tell her that I couldn’t handle any more snide comments–and she understood and stopped.

My father, on the other hand, became very supportive of my husband and our marriage. He learned that I chose my hardships and that I was willing to bear them because I really believed the future would be better, and that my husband was still the right man for me. Thank goodness I turned out to be right!

What smoothed family relations most was when my husband got a really good job (and one after another). I think this calmed everyone down completely–and I understand that.

All in all, my parents tried. It’s just hard for parents when their children marry a person the parents can’t understand from personal experience. This is my “glass half full” way of looking at it If you’d asked me three years ago, my words would have sounded very different. But that’s in the past, and I am happy to have the harder times behind us.

Mother-In-Laws Who Handle Things Poorly
This topic is one that will need LOTS of time and LOTS of posts. In my experience, many mother-in-laws are horrid to foreign spouses of their children (but if you get a nice one, it’s heaven!) Many of them assume that their child should have married a “superior” spouse from their own country. It doesn’t matter if the spouse is a man or woman or what the home country is. It does seem that the bride often gets treated WORSE than the husband.

In the US, mother-in-laws have BAD reputations. In foreign countries, they are often WORSE because the new wife is in a subservient family position and is culturally expected to put up with the bad treatment. So, obviously, this can cause huge family rifts–especially if the in-laws try to treat the spouse as less-than, but the spouse is from a country where this is not generally done.

American Wife, Foreign Husband
In my case, I am the American wife, and my husband is the foreign husband. This is the WORST of all possible scenarios! (Much easier when the man is from a Western country and the woman from a more Eastern country. ) He is from a country that shares a border with Muslim countries, so while the religion is Christian, many traditions and roles of men and women are similar to those in Muslim countries. Women are expected to be virgins when they marry–if they are not, no one will marry them. Women cannot be in the car with a man alone, or she is considered a “loose girl.” Women there are educated but often give up their careers to raise families.

Obviously, in countries like these, the choice bride is NOT American So my mother-in-law was definitely horrified to hear that her son was ready to marry a girl from the West. They pretend it’s fine, but really it horrified all of them. She treated me like DIRT during her first visit to the US. In her country, divorce doesn’t really happen, so daughter-in-laws somehow make it work. In my case of course, no way, and our relationship ended immediately. That has worked out fine for 8 years. She wants more contact with us, but my husband isn’t big on calling or writing. I used to be, until that visit. Now, obviously, no way.

Real-life Examples of Terrible Mother-In-Law Deeds
I will give you a FEW examples of things she did and said that would simply not happen in most households in the US. Here, stuff like this happens, but it’s out of this world ludicrous. There, it’s more common for a mother-in-law to be mean to a daughter-in-law, so I guess she thought this would all just be okay:

1. Asked me how many men I slept with before I met my husband–this was the second day of her visit. (Hey, maybe the answer is ZERO. It’s NONE of her business. Obviously, I did not answer that question. And of course, she took that to mean I’d slept with numerous people, then tried to treat me like a lowlife for it. BIG mistake, as she well learned.)
2. Told me my cooking is difficult to eat–despite the fact (indisputable fact) that I am a REALLY good cook. She did this because cooking is something very important to the girls in her culture–so this was supposed to be very hurtful to me. However, my husband basically married me for my cooking. My husbands’ friends all love coming to our house to eat and eat TONS of food at our home and all have their favorite dishes that I cook. They go on and on about how surprised they felt that an American girl could cook better than the native girls they know who are my age. So her comment, while hurtful, did not convince me of anything–except that she is a horrible person.
3. We sent a very small sum to my mother-in-law and father-in-law when we were first married ($100 per month–still enough to buy food for a month in their country). My husband had NO JOB, and my job paid a small salary. This was MY money, and it was very hard to send because we could barely pay our bills. When she came, she made fun of this amount and commented that it had “barely even helped us repair the balcony.” Needless to say, we (or I ) immediately stopped sending money.
4. Told me she couldn’t understand why my son wanted to marry me. Oh yes, she most certainly did. Not much needs to be said here–that was just a really dumb move for a woman who adores her son and would love to see him more often. Sorry, can’t spend time with people who insult me on purpose. And fortunately, my husband is a total work-a-holic, so he’s not putting his foot down about having long family visits. Bye bye mother-in-law, you messed up big-time.
5. Per her foreign habits of crossing the street when and where she wants, she pushed my newborn baby son in his stroller right into oncoming traffic. To her, it appeared to be far away. To me, it appeared to nearly kill my son. I grabbed the stroller and started jerking it backward and screaming in the middle of the street–it was really horrifying. (I had told her to stop when I saw her step into the street, but as usual, she ignored me). See, she stopped at nothing to be “in charge.” Even in charge of MY son’s safety. I don’t think so, lady.

Vast Improvement Due to Limited Contact
That said, she’s gotten much better. I refused to talk to her, email her, or communicate with her for 3 years. Because my husband isn’t good about calling or writing, this means they NEVER talked. That bothered her immensely, so she changed a lot. Talking would not have done it. Nothing would have done it except refusal to be involved. In retrospect, I am actually grateful for her horrible first visit. I learned very quickly–there is absolutely no point in trying to please her. She can take me or leave me–I simply do not care. My husband and I are SO HAPPY after 10 years together. This is all that matters.

PS. My family also had HUGE issues with my husband. More on those in another post.

My Foreign Husband’s Driving Used to Terrify Me
My husband is now a very good and safe driver. But MY GOSH it used to scare me to get into the car with him. I remember actually thinking that we might get divorced over his driving. He drove how people drive in his country. Here, that got him numerous speeding tickets, a wreckless driving ticket, and at least one minor car accident! This cost us thousands of dollars…not only the tickets and accidents, but of course, he made our car insurance SKY high–twice as much as any of my friends pay But now it’s much lower because about 3 years ago he changed his style. I think a judge told him he was about to go to jail. Finally, that made him understand that it wasn’t just ME being picky. THANK GOODNESS.

Driving Is Different In Other Countries
Having lived abroad and visited many countries, I already knew that Americans are pretty careful drivers. We may speed, big-time, but for the most, we pay attention to stop lights, avoid jaywalking on major streets, and stay in our own lanes. People in MANY other countries don’t do this. And if a driver there did, it would cause issues on the road. My husband is from one of those places.

It isn’t as if a person grows up in one country, then his or her driving style magically changes when he moves to a different country–I am sure some people do, but I know many who haven’t!!! And this can cause a lot of conflict in relationships for many reasons:

1) Speeding and wreckless driving tickets that cost a LOT of money!

2) Insurance that gets more expensive with each ticket!

3) Fear on the part of the spouse used to a more relaxed, rule-following type driving style. When a person is afraid, this doesn’t bring out his or her kindest moments.

4) Wrecks happen when a person doesn’t adjust his or her driving to the place they are in–even between big and small cities in the same country. Wrecks are extremely stressful for couples for obvious reasons.

5) Parents have double the issues because of fear about children riding in the car with the spouse who drives wrecklessly–also family members comment about it, of course, and try to avoid being in the car with the “dangerous driver.”

6) It’s very hard to continue being patient when one person (ME) constantly has to suffer the financial and emotional consequences (meaning stress) of the one who refuses to change. It’s also embarrassing in public and around family or friends who happen to see any little driving incidents, like bad parking or speeding.

Gotta Give Some Things Up
I understand that the foreign spouse has to give up many, many things. When i lived in Moscow, I changed so many things just to avoid seeming freakish to people around me. No more sweatpants outside, for example. No more smiling at people while walking down the street. It gets hard. But ya know, driving is just one of those things that can cost TOO much.

I am very happy my husband changed (and that we didn’t get divorced over his driving.)

My husband had so many problems in getting a driver’s license. First, he tried to apply for a driver’s license while on a B2 visa here, which was legal. However, when he went to DMV to do this, the workers there yelled at him for trying to apply. He waited to try again after he received his 2 year greencard (the initial one). Here are a few notes and links on driver’s licenses for foreigners in the US:

1) If your spouse is legally employed, or a legal resident and not employed, he or she should be able to get a driver’s license without any issues. Documents your spouse will need generally include the following, but check specific requirements at your local DMV office here :

• Some states require proof of legal status; this is often shown with the I-94 document (a document visitors receive upon arrival to the US that shows the date of arrival and expected departure)
• Documentation of any extensions to the date of departure shown in the I-94, or other documentation that shows official permission by USCIS to be in this country
• Social security number (it is sometimes possible to get a license without one, but more complicated); see this post on when your spouse can apply for a social security number.
• Proof of residency such as a telephone or electric bill
• Proof of date of birth such as a birth certificate
• Proof of identity that includes a photograph, such as a passport or international driver’s permit
• Some states require proof of liability auto insurance.

2) If he or she is in the US illegally, no state currently offers driver’s licenses, but many states are debating this possibility.

3) If the person does not have a social security number, it will be difficult or impossible to get a driver’s license. (Technically many or all states have a document applicants can sign that says they do not have a social security number. But DMV didn’t let my husband do this.)

4) Each state has different policies about the ID you need to present. The testing policies are similar in my experience between 3 states. You take a written test, then a driving test.

5) Many DMV offices allow applicants to take the written test in a foreign language or with a translator–even a friend or spouse! Check here to see if yours does. In Virginia, the DMV did not have a test in my husband’s language, so he chose a translator (ME!) to read aloud and translate the questions from English into his language.

6) Check the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) for the state where you live here to find out specifics on your situation with the documentation and identification materials you have (whether social security, passport, and so on), .

7) International driver’s permits allow foreigners to drive legally in the US for a period of time. Read here. Here are important points:

• These allow a person to drive in the United States for a period of time–check with your state’s DMV to learn exactly how long. In New York, for example, you can use the international driving permit until you are a resident of that state–basically until you work there in an apartment or home for 90 days. After this point, if you do not get US driver’s license, you could be issued a traffic ticket.
• International driver’s permits are not issued to foreigners in the United States. (They must be issued by the home country.)
• For US citizens, DMV does not issue international driver’s permits. For this, contact the AAA (American Automobile Association).

7) Note that even if you have an international driver’s permit , many (or all) states require you to get car insurance OR pay a fee (about $200-300) for not having it. If you don’t do this, and you are in a car accident, there will be serious consequences (court, fees, and possibly jail depending on the circumstances of the accident).

There are several sticky situations in the immigration process, plus a few details that KEPT confusing me during the early stages of the process. Here are a few:

1) The spouse of a US citizen can apply for permanent residency in the US based on marriage to a US (The USCIS phrases this as applying for permanent residency through a “family member.”)

2) In the permanent residency application process, some relatives (such as brothers and sisters) are placed on a waiting list and may wait a long time before their application is considered. This is not true for spouses. However, spouses will wait between the time they submit paperwork and the approval of the paperwork (as everyone does).

3) After getting married and submitting paperwork, YOUR SPOUSE MUST BE VERY CAREFUL IF HE/SHE WANTS TO TRAVEL OUTSIDE OF THE UNITED STATES–until receiving the greencard. I personally know a couple who was divided for 5 years because the wife travelled outside of the US without permission immediately after submitting the I-485 and I-130 paperwork. You can get permission to travel (Advanced Parole). Read about it here, but note the section called Caution. It is really risky to travel abroad while these documents process, even with permission! For a person who overstayed his or her visa, it’s best to stay in the US until you get our greencard if possible. If you must travel, talk to an immigration attorney and USCIS first.

4) You will hear repeatedly that a fiance “can NOT come to the US on any visa except a fiance visa to get married.” Technically, a fiance cannot travel on a student visa, travel visa, and so on IN ORDER to get married. It is FINE if he/she comes on a B1 or B2 visa and DECIDES to get married while here. (This was our situation, and it was fine.)

5) Important documents to SAVE:

• The I-94 Arrival/Departure record–a little paper that is attached to the passport when a person enters the US. (My husband has needed this thing many times over the last 10 years.) This also has the Alien #–the foreign spouse will use it many times.

• The receipt INS gives you that they received your documentation–ours was yellow, I’m not sure how you can recognize it. But KEEP it. It will give you a sense of peace while you are waiting for the interview.
• Copies of everything you submit to the INS, plus copies of anything they give you just in case they are lost (receipt for I-485/I-130 paperwork, EAD card, passport stamp after your interview, and so on.

6) If your spouse is in the US, the immigration process might be faster and easier if you marry in the US, rather than a different country. This is especially true if he/she has overstayed a visa–as in this case, he/she could get barred from returning to the US for 3-10 years!!! I have read that there is a waiver for this in the case of marriage to a US citizen, but better to avoid hassles with USCIS. They can go on for YEARS–so, play it safe if at all possible! Of course, if there are deportation proceedings against your fiance or spouse, consult an immigration attorney before taking any steps.

7) Many people often give completely INCORRECT immigration advice–so seek information from several people, not just one. The worst advice we got was that my husband and I should leave the US and go to his country to get married–this was completely INCORRECT. My husband’s visa had expired. Had we taken this advice, it would have taken months or years to straighten out the problems it caused. Plus we would have been separated (me in the US, he in his country) while USCIS sorted it all out.

8 ) If your spouse entered the US legally but overstayed his or her visa, you can get married legally unless there are other circumstances–he/she committed a crime or something like this.

9) If your spouse entered the US illegally (without a visa), he or she might have a hard time getting permanent residency, despite getting married to a US citizen. Last year an experienced immigration attorney who works for USCIS told me that in this situation the spouse can get a waiver and stay. ***This is not immigration advice! However, it would not hurt to ask an immigration attorney if such a waiver might apply to your situation.***

Now the fun begins! For legal immigration and work purposes, you will:

1. Get married!!! You can have a big wedding in a church or other location. Or you can get married by a Justice of the Peace. (We did both, but Justice of the Peace first to submit our paperwork quickly.) The courthouse or city clerk where you apply for your marriage certificate can tell you where to find the closest Justice of the Peace!
2. Get copies of your marriage certificate. (TIP: Get 5 certified copies. I did it, and have needed them many times.)
3. Prepare your paperwork for USCIS (U.S. Citizen and Immigration Services). There are many different immigration documents for various situations. To get information on your specific visa/greencard/immigration paperwork needs, I recommend this discussion board–see the section called Marriage-Based Greencards. There are three main situations–here are additional links:
   • You are in the US. Your fiance is in another country. You want him/her to come here so you can get married. Read about the forms you will need here and here.
   • You are in the US. Your spouse is in the US. You want to get married here. Read about forms you will need for USCIS here and here.
   • You and your spouse have already gotten married (or plan to) in a foreign country. Read more here. (TIP: This one can cause problems if you need to come back to the US quickly–your spouse will need to wait in that country for paperwork before coming to the US–unless he/she already has a visa.)
4. Shortly after you submit your paperwork for immigration, USCIS will send your new spouse an EAD card (Employment Authorization Document). With this, he or she can legally work!
5. Once your spouse has the EAD card, he or she can apply for a social security number. Here is the link to the form, instructions, and addresses of local Social Security offices. (TIP: Your spouse should apply for a social security card as soon as possible, as a new employer cannot hire a person without one.)

If you want to marry a foreigner, let me take a guess at a few of the thoughts you’re having:

1. CAN I marry this person? I don’t know the first thing about immigration.
   
2. Won’t marriage with a foreigner be complicated
3. I really think he/she loves me, but what if deep down, my love is thinking about a greencard?
4. Will he/she change his/her mind and later want to move back home to a different country?
5. Will he/she ever learn to speak English well? If not, what will happen?
6. Will he/she ever find a good job? If not, what will happen?
7. Will people, especially family and friends, accept our marriage?
8. Will speaking different languages at home confuse our future children?
9. Do children feel that the foreign parent is different from other parents?
10. Is it possible to make a marriage between foreigners last?

I have good news and bad news to share! Good news first. The answer to #10 is YES. The answer to #1 is most often YES–I will post a few immigration links for you soon, plus I will describe our immigration situation (which ended fine and was very easy, just a long process) and a few of our friends’ as well.

The bad news. Marrying a foreigner could teach you many things you never wanted to learn about society, culture, how the nicest people in all cultures can turn horrible when their loved ones marry people from different places, that child-rearing practices are different everywhere and people get darn stubborn about the ones they were raised with…Oh, each of these needs its own post or many of them…

What I’m saying is, marriage is complicated–period. Marriage with a foreigner is even more complicated. Having lived in three countries, worked as an ESL teacher for 10 years (with hundreds of foreigners from many, many countries including all continents except Antarctica), I have known MANY couples comprised of spouses from different countries. I saw a few divorce within two years. I see some who are still holding on but unhappy. BUT I KNOW SOME (like me and my husband) who figured it out and are living an exciting, love-filled, culturally rich life together.

I hope to shed some light on my personal experience and offer help or advice whenever possible through this site. Good luck to you, and know that many international couples are thriving and happy!!!!